Return to Coaching — Body by Berryman

While tidying up final plans for my winter athletics squad I came across some very wise words from my collegiate coach Dave Nielsen, a man I continue to look up to today.

I was in the process of deciding where to train post-collegiately working towards my half-hearted dream of becoming a professional pole vaulter and emailed my Coach to ask him simply: Do you believe in me? He answered me this:

“Do I believe in you? Do you believe in me? It works both ways and I don't want it only one sided. I believed in you last year but I couldn't figure out what the hell happened. You did not respond from practice to meets in a predictable fashion… You went from being a competitive lion to frightened rabbit.”

Choked up by the realness of this statement I continued to read:

“This life in the fog on competition day or the technique collapse may be due to Jackie's passing. It has affected us all in different ways and at different times. I know I'm not the same.”

Yes, that was it. Jackie’s passing. My coach, my mentor, my travel roommate, my biggest supporter, my teacher, and my friend. She was killed while trying to save a dog that was floating in an, unknowingly at the time, electrically charged canal. She jumped in to try and save it and was automatically electrocuted. Her fiancé's dad and best friend followed in trying to rescue her; both, electrocuted and died.

Like Dave, I wasn’t the same either.

My teammates and I were on the way to a pre-season street vault in Pueblo, Colorado a week before the start of my final season as a collegiate athlete when I got the phone call. Unfortunately I remember it all too clearly.

I still deal with it today. Jackie was the same age I am, 31.

After finishing up my collegiate career I changed coaches and ran as far away from Pocatello as I could. I stuck with Pole Vaulting for another 6-months and then abruptly quit. I was done competing. The passion was gone. The hurt was real. I needed a break.

9-years after her death, I still find myself in disbelief.

I also feel something igniting. A spark of passion fuelling an old flame. I have unfinished business to attend to. No, this isn’t my return to the pole vault runway; it’s a return to the sport that’s made me who I am today. A sport that has brought me heartache and triumph. A sport that continues to be a metaphor for my life.

It’s so I can attempt to be to others, the coach that Jackie was to me. So that I can assure my athletes, the way Coach Dave assured me:

“Yes I believe in you.”
“I wish I would have figured out how to help you overcome your weakness this year on the field. It drove me nuts. Physical performance and some competitive technical flaws were the symptom not the cause..... and I just couldn't figure out the real driving cause or how to address it.”

What a brilliant man. The cause was light as day, I just wasn’t ready to deal with it.

Dave Nielsen, Myself, & Jackie Poulson at my 2012 Undergrad celebration

In memory of the late Jackie Poulson. “quick quick, pop pop”